


Blatherskite

by opossummyopossum



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Genderfluid Character, Homophobia, I am a MINOR and I aint gonna open that can of worms, I started this story when i was 15 and now im 17, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sex, Mentions of Suicide, Modern Character in Thedas, Multi, NO SMUT NO THANK U, Panic Attacks, Swearing, a consistent updating schedule ? :/ i dont know her, there is one (1) turtle in this story and i PROMISE ao3 tag of the day it does NOT fuck, this is bizarre
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2018-07-19 07:17:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7351234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/opossummyopossum/pseuds/opossummyopossum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my life now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Candy is Dandy but Liquor is Quicker

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This chapter is packaged with a warning about ALCOHOL 
> 
> AlSO! if you want to contact me about the story (please don't be creepy I am a minor) go to dragonsanddweebs.tumblr.com
> 
> Have fun and drink responsibly (or, you know, not at all).

Toni was well on the way to plastered, and oddly sweaty, for the reason of 'fuck off my life is terrible and I don't want to remember anything'.

For three weeks they had been here, in this terrible and unclean world. And some weird fairy/sprite thing. They named it Navi.

Take a shot for every time I don't know something, thought Toni, as they did so. Everything is terrible and I want to die, thought Toni, as they took a shot. Navi looks a little brighter than normal, wings softly fluttering with light joy, quietly playing some swing music by who knows, also how the fuck is she's doing it, but it's nice and reminds them of home.

"You look more world-weary at fifteen than some do at fifty, kid."

They turn to see the hulking, horned and grey figure of The Iron Bull, perched on a surprisingly sturdy stool. He's real now. That's a thing that has happened to Toni.

They take a shot. It's disgusting, like all the rest of them.

"...Thank you?"

"Wasn't a compliment, kiddo. But you're welcome anyway."

Toni giggles a little. They pick up the mystery liquor by the neck and shake it around a little. There's about a fourth left. It's all stolen. "Thank you for your welcome. Want some booze? It's awful and I hate it."

Bull grins and the skin around his eye patch tightens, like he squinted in mirth. He's absolutely terrifying and charming at the same time. How does that even work? "With logic like that, how can a man say no?"

Toni snorts out a laugh, then passes Bull the amber liquid, the bottle absolutely dwarfed by his huge hands. He drinks it straight from the bottle and barely flinches at the burn on the way down, like the force of masculine energy and muscle he is. Show off. As Bull passes it back Toni sees there's about half as much left now. It wasn't big to begin with. He's tried to get rid of as much as he can. Asshole.

"I realize too late what I've done. I'm stupid."

"You're not stupid, just don't think things through all the way," He counters.

"Amen to that." Bull looks slightly confused at the saying.

Toni takes another shot. Toni is very drunk. Toni wants to do something stupid. They are a silly drunk, they realize. And a sad one.

"Heeeey, Bull. You're, like, the coolest one here, you know," slurs Toni as they pick up Navi and place her on their head. Navi giggles. She's adorable right now and should stay that way forever, unlike the normal annoying behavior she often displays. Such an apt name.

Bull leans forward onto the bar in front of him, looking much too amused at their display. "Why am I cold?"

Toni sticks their tongue out the side of their mouth in mild irritation. "Not COLD, cool. You're COOL. Neato. Fly. Happening. The Bomb Dot Com. Interesante." A hand ruffles short brown hair with blonde streaks, making Navi grumble angrily. "And I'm a nerd. A dweeb. Not Cool. Awkward. And I hate alcohol." They make a drawn out noise that can only be described as 'ppfffttt'. "And I miss my cool shit. Like my sketchpad and pens and pencils. And books I can actually read. Do you know how much I miss indoor plumbing? And a fridge? A cool person doesn't take a shit in a glorified bucket. With exceptions," pointing at Bull, "you're still amazing even if everyone takes shits in buckets. Including you. Navi here keeps me somewhat sane, with the music."

Navi makes a cute noise likened to a robot dog with a chewtoy.

"My dreams are weird as shit, too. And sometimes if I try real hard I can _make_ things. My life is so weird. This isn't- this isn't supposed to be how life works."

Bull raised his good eye's eyebrow, simply taking it all in. Free information, willingly given. How can he complain. He needs to get back to the Inquisitor on this. "Sounds rough. Is that the deal with the drink?" He gestures to the shot glass and the bottle.

A scoff, like he's said something completely unreasonable. "Noooo, dummy. This- this is for what happens in the future. Getting my drink on for... things that haven't happened yet. To get it out of the way. Do you know how many people are gonna kick the bucket wh-while Asshole McShithead is a problem? LOTS. And everyone in this, this fuckin' clubhouse knows that I know 'the fuuuuuuture' so what I know is that I know I need to get drunk." Toni squinted a little at him, glasses slipping down slightly. "My mouth am not work right. I don't make good mouth."

Bull laughs loudly at that one. Still chuckling, he says, "In my experience drinking doesn't solve problems. Just delays 'em." Looking pensive for a second, he offers, "wanna come meet my Chargers?"

Toni perks up and smiles widely, straight teeth showing, eyes squinting behind pushed-up cheeks. Almost nobody had teeth this good in Thedas. They were a little vain about that fact. "Holy shit, yes."

They are proud to say that they only stumble a little bit while following Bull.

 

* * *

 

"Hey there, chief. What's with Little Bit? On babysitting duty? Is she going to _future_ anyone to death?"

Ouch. Dalish was mean.

"No- girlie here's gotten drunk so I figured why not."

"Please don't-don't call me that," Toni demanded, "just, not today. It's annoying and makes me hate myself."

All but Grim laughed at that.

"Whatever you say, shortstop. Here's the team- but I'm sure you already know their names." Bull waved a hand over his team and looked sufficiently proud. "Care to take a guess?"

Toni blew a raspberry and pointed at the group and listed names. "Skinner, Dalish, Stitches, Grim, Skinner, Rocky, you're obviously The Iron Bull, and Krem. Also, _holy shit Krem it's amazing to meet you."_

Krem looked a little perturbed before cautiously stating, "might I know why you're so happy to meet me?"

Toni nodded emphatically before putting a hand to their head, really dizzy. "Ughh, sorry, room's spinning, wanna barf. But yeah! You're like me. Lots of people thinking you're the wrong gender and such. I totally look up to you. Tons. Oodles."

Krem looks like he's been socked in the jaw. "You... look up to me? Are you also living as male? If so, why... do you not bind?"

Toni glances down at their chest, contemplative. "Oh, well, I'm not exactly like you. I'm only male sometimes. Other days it's female, or neither, or both. Today it's both. Depends how I feel in the morning."

Everyone looks confused. Oopsie.

" I use 'they' instead of 'he' or 'she' most days. So. Girlie isn't a good nickname to keep up."

Still confused.

"I'm think I'm going to pass out now."

Confused and alarmed.

Blackness and the sound of a high pitched squeal from Navi are what welcomed Toni into oblivion.

* * *

 

"I don't having an inebriated child was a very good choice for the Inquisition to make, Inquisitor," came the dry remark from Solas, as he watches a battered and babbling Toni being followed by a highly entertained Bull and a bemused Krem, "for as amusing as it is to watch."

A scathing look from Lavellan for that one. "Do you think this was _my_ idea?! Do you think I planned to get a child _sloshed?!"_

Solas simply shrugs at him and looks to be holding back a smirk. "No, it was absolutely her idea. But I advise you perform damage control before something is broken."

_CRASH!_

"Oh _shit!_ Navi you broke it!"

"Too late."

 


	2. Recess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a little factoid, Toni's got Bipolar Depressive Disorder, as well as paranoia. 
> 
> Enjoy this surprisingly long chapter!

Small children have a way with words.

They're accepting. No filter, no harsh judgements. When you feel down they try to help, in their own way. Maybe it's offering you some trinket, or food, or just their time. No extra filler or fluff in a simple sentence, just trying to understand and help. 

Toni never particularly cared for most children, but as in most situations, there were exceptions.

For most it was a lazy day. Nothing special. Lavellan and Sera had time to mess around with pranks. Dorian was in the library. Solas was... Solas, and did whatever he did all day. 

Toni was having a  _bad_ day. A no good day. 

Being in a fantasy land that wants to kill you without the aid of pharmaceutical drugs could really put a damper on your mood. 

The meds they left behind at home were sorely missed. Cold turkey off medicine is awful.

 _My kingdom for_ _antidepressants_ they lamented, curled up on some poor excuse of a 'bench' in some sedate area, _and my life for anti-anxiety drugs._

As much as Thedas was pretty, it was still pretty damn scary. And depressing. And full of death. The cons outweigh the pros on that. 

A hand tugging on their leg roused Toni's thoughts from daydreaming and into the real world.

A little girl with warm brown skin and and a dirty dress stared up with deep chocolate eyes. 

"I'm Freida. What's your name?"

They stared in silence at the strangely intense girl and finally said, "It's Toni. Nice to meet you."

"You look sad. Papa says when you're sad, you shouldn't be alone. Do you wanna play knights and bandits?" 

Toni's eyebrows furrowed and their nose wrinkled a little, warring with self-loathing and not wanting to disappoint. Navi let out a little  _hum_ in curiosity.

"Is that like cops and robbers? How do you play?"

"I dunno what cups and rob-arrs are. You and all the others, you have to hide, and whoever's the knight has to find the bandits."

Toni's hand scratched their neck. "Um. Yeah. Sure thing, buddy. You have others who're gonna play?"

Freida nodded energetically, and her mess of curls bounced to-and-fro in a tangled mess. "Follow me!"

She grabbed their hand and  _tugged_ with far more strength than a small girl should have, making Toni stumble and almost fall face-first into the dirt. Being tall and wide was not a recipe for a gracefully being.

Shepherded through a group of people, around corners, bumping into servants and soldiers, Freida led Toni to a little outdoor corner of Skyhold set up as a make-shift daycare. Or socialization-ish spot for kids who're bored when not helping out. A few chairs as well as beat-up toys decorated in a messy fashion, four other kids sat or ran around doing activities, either with a little misshapen ball or tending to battered, plushy stuffed animals with care.

All of them looked up at Toni.

Toni was, pathetically, intimidated.

One older kid with an impressive unibrow spoke up, unimpressed. "Why'd you bring a grown-up? There's a no-grown-ups-allowed rule. They're boring!"

Freida hugged their hand to her chest, and argued with the clearest logic in the world, "you're boring! And this is Toni. They're sad and not a grown-up."

"Uh, yeah. Only 15. Not technically a grown-up yet," offered Toni. They were very uncomfortable with this.

Unibrow narrowed his eyes. "Hm."

"I want to play knights and bandits with them, but we need everyone!"

Unibrow signaled to his possie of friends, stood up and held out a small hand. "My name's Toric. If you wanna prove you're not boring like the grown-ups you have to find all of the bandits."

Toni enveloped Toric's hand with the one not in captivity in a bewildered handshake. "Sounds reasonable. How long do you take to hide?"

The only other girl, a pale elf with blonde hair in pigtails said, "count to ten, but ten times! And my name is Sida."

Two boys, twins, with brown hair and cute green eyes piped up with 'Erimond' and 'Elladan', which was a source of great internal amusement for the teenager.

Freida yanked on Toni's hand. She looked ecstatic. "I'm gonna go hide! Don't worry about me, I'll make it easy," she whispered.

"Much obliged, little lady."

Toric lined up all five kids, and with Toni's closed eyes and a shout of 'now!' the game begun.

_One, two, three, four, five..._

* * *

_...98, 99, 100._

_Ready or not, here I come?_

Toni opened their eyes to confused adult eyes a little way away.

They blushed and ignored it, setting out to find the bandits.

_...wait. I didn't ask for an area. They could be anywhere._

_Great._

* * *

 Freida hid in the stables. She forgot halfway through that she was playing a game and started to pet a horse. Since she was a tiny person, she had balanced herself on a barrel that looked structurally instable, and as Toni was wont to do, they panicked and snatched her by the waist to set down on the dirt.

"Found you."

Freida giggled, and gave a hint for where the twins liked to hide. In the castle walls, apparently. Wonderful.

Freida skipped away and Toni trudged on.

* * *

 

Toni walked into the library area, scouring for Elladan or Erimond. Dorian was all they found, glorious moustache and all.

"The all-knowing Toni deigns my humble personage with their presence. I am honored! I'd begun to believe books offended you."

Toni snorted. "Only when I can't read them. And I can't. So."

"Actually, I'm looking for a kid, about yay-high," they leveled a hand palm-down at the hip, "brown hair, ratty clothes. Has a twin."

Dorian didn't turn to face Toni, still perusing the bookshelf. "I've no idea who you're talking about. Maybe he's in some different wing of the castle?"

Narrowed eyes at that. "I never said he was a boy."

"Ah, well. My fault, I suppose. You know what they say about assumptions." A thin leather-bound book was plucked from its home.

"Any reason you're deflecting?" They scratched at their arm. "Did I do something?"

Dorian straightened, whirling around. "Of course not! I just-"

He interrupted himself and said, "Elladan, Erimond, my little friends, we've been gotten. Run now."

Two blurs originating from behind a wide cloth chair shot past Toni, and with a shout, they followed.

Toni caught up.

Eventually.

* * *

 Sida was in the rotunda. Solas ratted her out almost immediately.

* * *

 

Toric was the last. He was the best, most clever of the kids, and Toni felt pretty pathetic that an actual child was giving them such trouble. 

Maybe the servants had seen him? 

Asking around yielded some results, being 'he went that general direction' or 'why should I care?' and Toni's favorite, 'the little shite stole my left shoe! He went that way.'

They found him with the others back in the daycare. He said he got bored and gave up. Honestly it was slightly disappointing.

He dubbed them a 'not-boring almost-grown-up' and allowed them to play. Freida plopped them down and babbled about this and that and her sister's hat, and even at one point allowed Navi to burrow into her hair. 

"What's she do? Seems a bit useless, yeah?" Elladan asked about Navi, to which she angrily  _bzzt!_ from her home in Freida's curls.

"She's... I'm not sure. People've come up with all kinds a explanations. I think she's me, or at least a part of me. And I love her all the same." Toni raised a hand to their mouth and bit at an already nubby fingernail. "She plays music. Would you like to hear?"

An excited chorus of gasps and affirmations followed.

_What's good for kids? Raffi? I don't think Baby Baluga would be well received by this crowd. What about..._

"Navi, can you please play the guitar for _Down By The Bay?"_

A chirrup preceded the guitar chords, and all the kids clambered over to get a better look at the little fairy. 

Toni cleared their throat and said, "I'm a pretty bad singer. But if that's okay with you, wanna hear the lyrics?"

Erimond plopped down to the left of Toni and looked impressed. Toric, Sida and Elladan sat in front.

 Toni began.

_"Down by the bay, where the watermelons grow,_

_Back to my home, I dare not go._

_For if I do, my mother will say,"_

their raspy and poor voice paused in the lull of the guitar chords, then said normally, "have you ever seen a bear, combing his hair?"

All the kids giggled at that.

_"Down by the bay!"_

_"Down by the bay, where the watermelons grow,_

_Back to my home, I dare not g_ _o._

_For if I do, my mother will say,"_

"Have you ever seen a spider," Toni's hand crawled lightly up Freida's back like a spider, she yelped and turned 180 in terror, before pouting, "drinking apple cider?"

_"Down by the bay!"_

* * *

 

 A full day of play, and laughter, and song from both a proficient Navi and a less than proficient Toni. 

Near the end of a game of tag, Freida pulled Toni over to a slightly more private area guarded by a tree. 

"I saw you in the morning and you looked sad. Momma looks like that too sometimes. Ever since Papa's been gone," she stared at her hand in their bigger one. "Sometimes it's okay to be sad. But when you spend too long sad, you forget that you can be happy, too." 

A wide, uninhibited smile with crooked teeth beamed at them.

"And you're a lot more fun than the other grown-ups. Even if you're weird, and talk funny, and can't use a sword."

Toni choked down the lump in their throat. Tears welled up, against their wishes. "I... thank you, Freida. It's not like you can use a sword either, though."

Freida scrunched her mouth up to the side in distaste, and pinched Toni's hand.

"Ouch, that's harsh. I'm wounded. But really, thank you."

After looking into Toni's eyes, tears in her own, she launched herself into Toni's waist for a hug. They froze for a moment, but eventually laid a hand on her head gently and ruffled. Navi made a cute purr on their shoulder.

"This means we're friends now!" Freida stepped back and ran with that last parting sentiment.

 "Get back here, you little monster!"

* * *

 

"That's pretty fuckin' adorable," Bull rumbled at the pile of sleeping kids, Freida at the coveted stomach-position on Toni, the twins with their heads on Toni's left and right shoulders, and Toric had his body splayed across their legs. Sida had snuggled under Toni's arm.

Lavellan and Bull looked gently down on the cuddle-pile, and Cole stood to the side, grateful that Toni seemed at peace for once. He spoke, pulling from previous thoughts he had heard.

"A blessed distraction, a reprieve. The sea of emotion tugs and pulls inward at one tide but pushes and shoves outwards at another. This was a good day for them. They wonder when the next one will come."

A sigh cleaved Lavellan's silence in two, and his hand came up to brush brown hair behind one pointed ear. "Hopefully soon. They need more good days.'

High pitched and soft snores in the chest of Freida were a lullaby, and the kids slept on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more, my blog, Dragonsanddweebs at Tumblr. Lots of dragon age stuff. Some mass effect. Lots of me, screaming.
> 
> Please comment! Even if it's just to say you liked it. Anything at all is appreciated.


	3. Jitterbug

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for descriptive paranoid behavior and panic. As well as unintended self harm.
> 
> This one's sad, guys. It ends on a hopeful note, though. It's mostly reflecting my own experience and feelings. Catharsis I guess?

Drawing monsters was almost cathartic for them.

Give the emotion a form. Is it claustrophobic? It's hunched, emaciated, too big for its own skin. Jealous? A fat beast with many eyes. Depression? Many heads, long necks, bandages. Give the emotion a form. Identify it. Let it go.

 _Don't pick at yourself, sweetie, you'll open another scab._ A bloody, pussing amorphous mass follows, etched into the page. _Come out of your room, socialize_. A woman in a dress, her head locked into an iron box, the key long gone.

 _They aren't talking about_ you, says the huge eye, bloodshot and dry.

Nobody understands monsters, because they don't try to. That fanged imp could love crocheting. The mummy could enjoy long shambles down a moonlit beach. The Hydra might savour the taste of fresh, homemade latkes. 

Pencils. Pens. Paper. Markers. Sketchbook. Sketch outlines, darken in appropriate places. Ink it. Color. Hatch in the shadows in the darker shade. Create. Inspire. Project.

Toni was jittery. Paranoid. Skin too tight. Bugs, invisible bugs, crawling-creeping over tight skin. Invasive, intruding, _there's nothing in the room, but it sure feels like there is._

The banged up sketchbook was snatched up from the bedside table and paged through until blank whiteness revealed itself. Charcoal grabbed, pressed into the pulpy paper in fast, jagged strokes, nervous movements of the wrist carving out wedges of angry shapes. 

Spider. Tarantula. Eight legs. A torso, two torsos, conjoined twins sharing a gruesome existence, two arms between them. No eyes, no eyes, just a huge yellowed maw, wide and dripping, dripping, dripping- one enormous hand on a muscular arm, a pincer for the other.

Black stained hands snapped the charcoal in two. 

They have to leave. Leave the room. Get out. There's nothing there, but there  _is,_ against even their own reasoning that they're in a corner and the whole room is visible. Flee so it can't have time to follow, the nothing that _isn't there._  Logic has no place in their head since it's  _survive live survive survive get out_

They leapt out of the bed with the book still in hand, in the equivalent of pajama bottoms and a camisole-esque shirt. The kid's fairy friend clutched for dear life onto the waistband. The door  _slammed._

Cloying terror and self-loathing swirled in a cacophony-  _why am I running, run faster, it's not there but it IS and if I stop (something) nothing will (not) happen_

Occasionally torches lit the way.

Eventually there was a destination. The not-bench, pushed into a corner, all areas foreseeable from one point. Panting, Toni made their way to it, the puffing of breath creating curling clouds of steam billowing out their mouth like a dragon.

Cold, cold, cold. 

Their hands needed something to hold on to, to move and manipulate and distract from that terrible buzzing beneath their flesh, in their bones. Heavy limbs collapsed onto the not-bench. 

They clawed at themself. Scores. Angry, leaking clear fluid.

Long fingers grasped Toni's shoulders and startled a scream from their throat, jolting so hard in their skin all else melted away and became a singularity of  _panic._

Cole snapped his hands away, choking out, "No, no, no, it's  _worse_ now, I'm sorry, let me try again, I'm  _sorry, please,_ I want to help, I'm  _sorry!"_

"No, Cole, it's my fault!" Toni gouged at their eyes in jittery rakes. The journal flopped to the ground, bending several pages, falling falling falling in slow motion. "It's my fault, it's never been this  _bad,_ Jesus Christ It's like I'm  _fucking dying!"_

"I- I wan-want to tear my  _fu-fu-fucking head off_ and  _punccchhh something_ and  _run away,_ a-all at- at _once_ and none of them at _all,"_ they went on, hunching inwards, black spots dancing and whorling in their eyelids.

Cole hovered his hands forward, unsure, shuffling closer and further. Babbles of fragmented thoughts fell from his mouth. "Ticking away, jabbing, scoring at myself, she's going to  _dissaprove,_ my scabbing, scarring was going  _away_ but it was  _me, always me,_ I let her down, all of them I let down because I'm not enough, not  _enough,_ can't speak with my lips what my hands can say with a pencil-" he backed up, "-I am going to  _help_ and bring you to someone,  _anyone!"_

"NO!" They leapt up to latch hands on his shoulders, and his own ghosted unsurely over their shoulder blades. Embarrassed tears rolled down flushed cheeks. _"No,_ just stay, please stay! I need someone here to prove I'm not crazy, please,  _please!"_

His had was skewed at an angle and his fault features made visible. Apprehensive and worried eyes betrayed deep concern. "I- I..." he gulped unnecessarily. "I will stay."

Toni hugged him tight. Deep, shaking sobs wracked through their frame as they gulped down draws of oxygen, unable to regulate their own breathing. Fat droplets of tears trailed over cheekbones, and they buried their head into Cole's chest. 

He froze, unable to process the touch. Eventually, his ghosting hands gently applied pressure on their lower back to reciprocate the embrace.

 _"Thank you,"_ they whispered,  _"thank you."_

The book layed, forgotten, on the ground.

* * *

 

The hot cup of tea cradled in Toni's hands was gazed into sorrowfully.

Tea here sucked.

"Why do you have tea lyin' around? I thought you hate tea."

Solas hummed, the sound distinctly unamused. "I do. Your attempts at deflection are futile. Drink the tea, da'len, or I will find less agreeable remedies."

"This garbage is already pretty disagreeable already, my dude."

"I still do not know what 'dood' means. I know a multitude of more _uncomfortable_ medicines."

"Yeah. That's enough of that." They huffed. "Go ahead. Pick on the one who just had a mental breakdown. Yuk it up."

"I am not  _picking_ on you, as you say. I _would_ like to know why you would do such a thing to yourself."

"I don't know!" They thumped the teacup onto the table and tossed up their hands. "Why do I do anything? Why do I worry people are looking at me? Why do I always have to sit in a corner? Why do I have to wear two layers, minimum, at all times? Why, why, why, says the spider to the fly. It's because of  _nothing. No reason._ Nada. Zip. Zilch. I just  _have to!_

"I know it's baseless. I know! There's nothing there! Nobody cares what I do, or what I wear, or how I talk, because I have _never_  talked to them!  _But what if."_

"Ya know," Toni sighed through their nose for a pause, "back home, an episode like this would be identified, dealt with, and moved past without a second thought. But here? I know the  _future_ here, and that makes me  _important._ Now I have to worry if someone saw me freak the  _fuck_ out. What impact will  _that_ have on the Inquisition? How will I be perceived? Jesus  _tap-dancing_ Christ, maybe I should just write down all I know and off myself to save trouble. Maybe that'll send me home."

Solas snapped, and forged forward. He slammed his hands on the arms of the chair, and got into Toni's space.

"If you have any sense, child, you will  _shut up."_

Toni's mouth shut with a  _clack._

"You will cease entertaining such  _foolish_ fantasies. You will drink that  _terrible_ tea, and complain about it. You will inform me of these sensations you experience, and I will lend you my ear. If at any point this happens again you  _will_ come directly to me and you  _will_ allow my help."

He straightened up, and backed away, folding his arms behind his back. "You may not be at home. But do not forget of those in _this_ world who care for your well-being."

A nod was all the stunned, touched Toni could offer.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning, Cole grabbed Toni and led them to a litter of kittens. 

Adorable. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been feeling like Toni has lately. Because, ya know, I am quite literally Toni . Yadda yadda go to Dragonsanddweebs at Tumblr for more DA stuff
> 
> Please comment.


	4. Solas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas reflects on an aspect of Toni's personality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not any tags this time to mention. But I'm back so hello !!!!
> 
> This is Angsty guys. Also Solas POV.

They ask many questions.

It's not their  _fault,_ precisely,just a product of a different world and its people. As he understands it, information is readily supplied to those who seek it without second thought, and more unknowns are explained than those of  _this_ side of the Veil. Even then, to those without the ambition, smaller facts are shared, most of them being required to learn. Even useless things, like 'what time is it,' or 'how hot/cold is it outside'.

He has learned that Toni doesn't realize how many questions they ask. 

His realization of this began as a welcomed surprise. They were curious, quizzical. Small inquiries, such as 'how does elfroot work in so many ways?' and 'why do potions heal?'. Easily explained, food to their inquisitive mind. 

It turned to slight amusement in the passing weeks, with the introduction of questions such as 'how does the Veil work?' and 'why do Orlesians wear masks?'. More abstract definitions, still soaked up happily. 

It was mildly annoying as a few _more_ weeks passed, with questions he had no explanations for. 'How are you able to survive your moons being so close?'. 'Where do you think the equator runs through?'. He had no real things to say about these, never mind he didn't know what an  _equator_ was. Speculation, hypothesis. His first  _I do not believe I know_ was given.

He became truly baffled with 'I wonder what the rate of gravity is? It's certainly not 9.8 meters per second.'

He had absolutely no clue what the  _rate of gravity_ was other than gravity exists and that Toni was used to a stronger one. According to Toni this 'planet' was smaller. 

It was a wonderful thing to have one so interested in knowledge. Yet when he no longer had answers to give, they began to teach  _him._

An equator is the exact center of the planet running east to west, as the prime meridian is north to south. An axis is the tilt at which the planet is situated. A planet is a dense mass of material, be it gasses or a conglomerate of elements, revolving around a larger  _something._ Stars are huge balls of gas, in the process of dying for immeasurable amounts of time. Matter is neither created nor destroyed. An atom. The cell. The light hitting them is thousands of years old. That any intelligent and sentient life exists is so amazing and insane compared to the scope of the universe that the sheer fact and chances are ungraspable to understand.

He is amazed. He begins his schooling with vast skepticism, then confusion, and as they explain in more depth, about temperature and time and the beginning of everything...

He feels very small.

An immortal being, one of unimaginable power at his peak, begins to feel young, as a child does to an elder, to the magnitude of things he cannot control. 

He still knows his quest, to reinstate the power of the People, to resuscitate the strength of Arlathan, to bring life to those who are not  _real._ Yet in the face of eternal size and spread of everything, even that is temporary. The sun will collapse. The world will  _burn,_ and this time, it will not be by his doing.

This child, this human, accepts such fact without being phased. It is simply that- a fact. They understand. Such things are beyond their lifespan, and by the time these abominable events shall occur, they will be long dead.

He does not understand why he hold so much sentiment for this being.

Toni is, as the shadows of his People say,  _shemlen._ A quickling. Like all things but the Elvhen, shall be snuffed out as a candle is when burned down. 

Yet they are vibrant. Awkward, ungraceful, but full of wonder and personality and love, so much  _love,_ that at times it hurts to be near them, to see their face and know that one day, they will wither and die, their bones will weaken with age, and even before all of this shall begin to happen, he will leave. He will destroy the world they are so enamored with to make way for a better one, a true home for the People. A world with no room for them, or the things they so adore. 

He is full of sorrow for the one question he will never know until it is presented to them both.

It is asked of him one night about six months they are there. 

That little ball of light is on their shoulder, they are clothed in many layers, and they are subdued.

"What may I help you with, da'len?" He asks, knowing a question is forthcoming. 

A frown greets him, and the one thing they both silently agreed should not be asked, is asked. 

"Solas," they whisper, "Am I ever going home?"

Both of them know that no reassurance, no placation shall be offered. It is as unknown as the meaning of life, as unreachable as the existence of any god.

His answer is a known dread to both of them, and he must be the one to state the obvious, as is his obligation as the harbinger of Dread, the wolf of despair.

A pause, and an answer.

"...I do not know."

A full bodied shiver wracked their frame. Shakes and deep, agonized breaths, as they are denied an acceptable answer, as they are in their home, where information is as easy to attain as the air they breathe. A sob escaped their throat. They hunch into themself. The fairy flutters to a table.

He places his forgotten book on his chair. He sweeps himself to their broken, mortal, imperfect,  _perfect_ self, and gathers them into an embrace. Their lean in, bury their face in his chest, weep. He places a hand on the back of their head, plants his chin in the top of their scalp. They cling to him like they are drowning, and he is land.

"Shhh, da'fen. You are here," he soothes, "I have you."

He knows he does not have them. His little friend, the one who is slowly teaching him of what _real_ is, will either fade, or he will leave, or they will return home and he will never see them again. Temporary, like the world, like the sun, like the moon- and the People and love and loss and life. _All these moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain,_ as they had once said. He should not have become so attached. But there were many things in his life he should not have done. He can do with one more regret, though that is not what it is.

He vows to himself, as his dearest heart sobs and bawls into his accepting chest, that if it will bring them peace, he shall do his best to send them home.

For he is selfish. He does not wish to see his da'vhenan age and fade and die, and while knowing these things will happen, seeing is a much more real thing. And he is learning, as they have learned from him, that many more things are  _real_ than what he initially believed to be in this new world.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go to Dragonsanddweebs at Tumblr. Do it. U kno u want 2
> 
> Also COMMENT!!!!!! PLS


	5. Heat Wave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Texas is fuckin HOT, and a sweltering day in Skyhold is a cool-to-mild day in Toni's home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¡Hola! 
> 
> Nothing important for this one. Short and sweet. Just drabbling, for my own benefit really
> 
> More at bottom!

Skyhold was  _fucking cold._

All the time.

It sucked.

 

Texas is  _hot._

All the time.

It sucks. Marginally less.

 

Texas is humid, moist, sweltering heat in the Summer, and Winter- depending on the fickle personality and whims of mother nature- varies from  _generally cold with a slight chance of frosted lawns_ to  _how in the everlasting Christ is this considered Winter._

Needless to say, neither was necessarily  _fun,_ but Toni was used to a certain type of climate. Warm currents of humidity, be them welcomed or resented, rolling in from the ocean. 

Snow was a terrifying substance.

Sure, snow can be fun, when you're visiting family in, say, Colorado, or if on a vacation to the North. Temporary. _Safe._ The frozen menace can't reach you in your home. One very good reason Toni wears several layers in the Forsaken Frosted Fortress.

Aren't castles supposed to be  _pretty_ in the Winter? Winter Wonderland and all that jazz. Skyhold was just perpetually depressing, no matter the décor or season.

When the heat wave came, Toni basked like a snake on a hot rock.

* * *

 

They probably could have come up with some theoretical reason for the wave, like currents or volcanoes or the hypothetical Titan beneath them or something, but quite frankly the only thought they had in their head was  _WARM WARM WARM GOOD YES GOOD LIKE WARM_

It could barely be described as a heat wave by Toni. A day like that at home was considered mild. Or, the better name would be  _not hot._ Though, Toni took what they could get. Generally spread eagle like a cat in the rays of the sun.

As the denizens of Skyhold heaved themselves around in the lightest- but still socially acceptable- fabrics they owned, Toni was wearing long trousers, boots, and a coat. Navi lazed on Toni's stomach. They had found a lovely vantage point on a lightly slanted roof that the sun was hitting perfectly- and there they plopped themself, for delicious, delicious sun bathing, like a lizard. The smell wasn't too bad; the city smelled worse. Piss and gasoline sucks more than bird shit and molding leaves. 

The shingles poked their back, but that was ignored. 

"A sun- bright, burning, bursting, supplying familiar warm caresses and a loving embrace. A piece of home in a bottle, corked with bitter reality."

Toni flinched hard and pivoted their head to Cole, seated beside them, who peered at them with gentle affection. They calmed down and lowered their hackles, happy to see him.

"Hey, Cole," they murmured at their friend, laying a limp-ish hand on his thigh, still drowsy from sun, "how are you?"

He adjusted his floppy hat with a slight downturn of his lips. "My hat makes the sun sting my eyes less, but my head is warm with it on." He sounded worried about that.

"Sit in the shade? There's some on my other side. Maybe take off the hat, let your hair air out."

He considered, then  _poofed_ to their other side. He smiled gently and removed his hat, somewhat lovingly, before placing it to the side. He copied Toni, laying back.

"I like this. The sun has less bite."

"Nice to hear," Toni smiled at him, still hazy from the influence of sunlight, replacing their opposite hand back onto his thigh. "Thanks for the company."

Cole tentatively placed his own hand on Toni's, returning his friend's smile.

* * *

 

"Come on, let's do something!"

"No. Too hot. Must die. Begone, foul beast," Lavellan groaned from bed. His room was airy, so that meant slightly cooler. Slightly.

"Dick."

"Dear Creators, if only."

_"Lavellan!!!"_

* * *

 

"Not you too, Solas!"

"...it  _has_ been slightly warm lately, da'len."

_"Heathen!"_

* * *

 

 

"How can you  _stand_ this?!" Cullen rubbed a hand over his sweaty neck, for once foregoing his heavy mantle and armor for a simple outfit of tunic and trousers, though his sword was still dutifully strapped to his belt. Another game of cards had been instigated, mostly due to Toni's heckling. Team building exercise. Yes, a team building exercise, definitely what it was. Many others followed his example, except for the more  _fashion-forward,_ such as Dorian- who was already used to a warmer climate, anyway- and Vivienne- who was not present at that moment. Solas just wore his normal threadbare clothes. When did he even wash them, honestly?

Toni shrugged, jacket bunched up around their shoulders. "Maybe the universe is finally expecting- ugh, _excepting_ my superiority and weeding out the weak gene pools. Soon _I'll_ be the one leading armies and... Inquisiting."

"You're a  _weird_ one,ya know tha', righ'?" Sera giggled. 

"Loud n' proud. Embrace it. It's never goin' away so I learn to love it. But yeah, I can stand it 'cus home is as hot as a witch's tit, and you get sweatier than a whore in church most days."

"Is it really _that_ hot where you come from," Lavellan queried, "or are you having us on? You tell so many stories I honestly don't know which are true and which aren't."

They laughed and picked at a scab on their scalp, getting some of it under their fingernails. Gross. "Nah! Really! It's genuinely that hot. It almost never snows in the Winter. Last time I saw naturally occurin' snow I was about... eight? Nine? I think nine years old. This is considered mild."

"If this is  _mild_ I'm loathe to imagine  _hot,"_ Cullen returned.

Toni shrugged. "I guess the sun's a little further away than it is at home. If it is, technically I should be dead, but lots of things by now should have killed me. For perspective imagine a forge at full capacity but worse."

"Ouch," commented Varric.

"Yeah. It gets so hot I, like, actually have to wear short pants."

"What a terrifying thought," commented Dorian.

"Shut up," they returned without feeling.

"Brat."

"Ponce."

"Peon."

"Diva."

"Foreigner."

"So are you!"

"...shut up."

"Children, children," Varric rumbled with mirth, "name calling?"

His only answer were two sulky "they/he started it"s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are my lifeblood 
> 
> GO BLOG
> 
> BLOG IS DRAGONSANDDWEEBS AT TUMBLR


	6. Two Left Feet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They can't dance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does the dab so hard they break their nose
> 
> Guess who is sick and threw up twice, this dweeb

"Left, right, step forward, spin, back agai-  _ouch!"_

 _"Sorry!_ I'm so sorry!"

The instructor massaged a trampled foot gingerly, glowering at Toni. "That is the _last_ _time_!Can you not be graceful in any fashion?"

"Yesterday they slammed their hand in a door, and an hour later walked into a column," Dorian sassed from the wall he was leaning on, "so I believe the answer is a resounding  _no."_

"Screw you, jagweed," Toni blandly mumbled.

"You're a little young for that, and lack the proper equipment."

"You're _actually_ terrible."

He laughed at them.

The instructor made an impressive sound of disgust and whirled around to face a hopeless Josephine. "I simply  _cannot_ teach this... this  _oaf!_ Maker give me strength, if my foot is stepped on one more time I will never step in this castle again, not even for other students!"

Toni felt generally insulted, and mumbled cattily, "If I stomp on your foot any more you won't step _anywhere._ "

She swelled up like a toad and strutted out of the room, limping, though valiantly trying to hide it.

"Oh, Madame! Do not- she is gone." Josephine clenched her clipboard. "There goes another one."

Toni groaned and sunk their head into their hands.

* * *

 

"It's not that I don't  _want_ to, I just  _can't_ dance! Period! All my dance ab-blity-  _abilities_ extend to are the funky chicken, the Time Warp and the Cupid Shuffle, and even then I'm terrible!" Toni's muffled voice bemoaned. They had pressed their face flat on the wooden table. 

"There, there." Lavellan reached over and patted their back. "I'm sure you're very good at the funky chicken." Whatever  _that_ was.

"This freaking ball is going to kill me. I'm gonna step on some important duke's foot or a lady will trip over my leg and they'll send assassins to kill me and- and _stuff."_

 "Nobody will assassinate you for  _that,_ I'm sure. If anything the whole  _knows the future_ bit will be the reason."

They lifted their head to throw hands in the air. "I can't schmooze for shit! This whole  _Great Game_ clownage can suck my dick. People shouldn't care how I dress or how I walk or how I talk. I can't talk under normal circumstances, how do you think I will at a party?!"

He snorted through his nose. "It's not like complaining about it is going to help any. Get someone  _else_ to help."

Navi chirruped out a  _"ooh child, things are gonna get easier."_

"Don't you dare Marvin Gaye at me."

Then they got an idea. An awful idea. Toni got a wonderful, _awful_ idea

"I know  _just_ what do," they laughed in their throat.

Lavellan shivered. His apprehension made him cold and he wished for a coat.

* * *

 

"No."

"Please!"

_ "No." _

_ "Please!" _

"What makes you think I am equipped to help?"

They wrung their hands. "The whole... mingling with the highborn Elvhen business. Being a kinda-god. Lots of parties must've been held, right? Everyone wants to dance with Fen'harel."

Solas furrowed his brows a bit, a strange glint in his eye despite his otherwise placid expression. He never liked it when they mentioned it.

"Did the ambassador not hire a professional?"

They laughed a little. "Ha... she, um, hired three. And they left. Because of me. One of them spat on my shoe."

Solas's mouth became a line, very visibly restraining a smile. "Impressive."

"Oh, shush. That's why I'm asking  _you._ You have, like,  _endless_ patience. I'm begging you, help me with this and... and I'll scrub the rotunda floors. Anything."

"That is an attractive, yet nonetheless unnecessary proposal."

_ "Solas." _

"Yes?"

"Ugh."

He sighed. He folded his hands behind his back. "I expect you early. If you are late, my acceptance will be rescinded. I suggest you leave before I regain my common sense and change my mind."

They nodded emphatically and swiftly walked out, but bumped into the doorway with their shoulder and bit out a curse.

Solas pinched the bridge of his nose.

* * *

 

"Step, step, back, and spin towards the left- the  _left,_ da'len."

"I know, I know."

"You clearly do not."

Okay! Okay. Let's try again."

* * *

 

"That is the twentieth time you have stepped on my foot."

"I counted twenty-six."

"So did I."

* * *

 

"Why don't you people have swing dancing? That's endlessly more fun. And satisfying. And easier."

"You are stalling."

"Damn right I am."

* * *

 

_ Pain.  _ Extreme foot pain. Consuming, hellish aching pain. 

Dancing sucks.

"You are...  _passable,_ I believe. If any nobles ask to dance, do not lead. It will not end well, for either of you." Solas rubbed a hand over his face, slumped in a chair. 

He had been very close to throttling them. 

"Wow. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me," Toni deadpanned from the floor.

"I have business to attend to, so for the sake of both of our sanity, please leave."

"Sure."

A moment passed.

"I can't get up."

* * *

 

In their room, Toni layed on the bed. Tired. So very tired. 

"There aren't any nails in your feet. Why do you think there are? Are they invisible?"

Cole. Ah.

"No, there aren't any. I'm a diva and I overreact."

"Oh."

They turned onto their side and looked at him with fondness. "Wanna join me?"

He simply layed down next to them and cuddled up. He really liked cuddles.

"Thanks, dear. I don't know how you deal with me."

"I like to help."

Toni fell asleep a little bit later, and Cole stayed, legs tangled with his friend, listening to the beat of their heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jkjhgh comment please I'm very sick


	7. Home Is (Not) Where You Hang Your Hat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm feeling sedate. Have a short, sedate and introspective chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FFFFFFF I am Tired. I have an AP world history class that is eating my time like it's candy. Also an English project. And a theatre tech class with Many scary tools I have to learn to use.
> 
> SO, I don't know if my chapter frequency will change? We'll find out.

They stood just behind the stone barrier between them and a very, very large fall. 

Heights used to be scary. But now there were other things to worry about.

They once ziplined over a seven thousand foot drop.

A sigh blew a cloud of mist through their nose and mouth, curling and dispersing as smoke from a pipe does. What a beautiful landscape. They briefly had a compulsion to draw it, but then the fact that landscape drawing were hard to capture flitted into their conscience.

Mountains always brought out a deep love in them- something exudes serenity and gentle wistfulness from the mountains, like a giant decided to rest and never woke up, the earth growing over them as they lied dormant.

Green mountains in spring, white caps and leafy trees. A landscape of snow in the winter, sparkling a reflective of sunlight. Snow may be a nuisance, yet it was such a lovely sight.

Poetics and ruminations were a common pass time. Words were a good vent, when written or thought- they never had any luck with speaking, as slurred as their words were. 

Navi's light brightened and ebbed out in time with their breaths, softly plucking out a guitar melody. Sounded like John Denver.

"It's not too healthy to be out in the cold this long, you know."

Reluctant, they turned their head from the scenery to see Lavellan.

"Yeah. I know."

"But you're still out here."

They returned to the view. "Yeah."

Lavellan's light, quiet steps were heard approaching, and he himself appeared in Toni's peripheral vision. "It's a nice view. Seems to hold your attention quite tightly."

They leaned onto the battlements. "It's inspiring. Not something I saw at home often."

"I believe I can relate."

They looked to the side at him. "Yeah. You do." 

Companionable silence reigned for a little while, the mountains holding both gazes. It's often fascinating, Toni thought, to see such a small chunk of a the world and think it so big.

They huffed out a strong breath of the oxygen rich air from deep in their lungs. "I sometimes go with family to a place called Colorado. It's like this, but somehow... somehow not anything like it too. We go camp in the snow, walk around these fascinating petrified Redwoods. Build real shitty snowmen. Shop in lil' towns. And just... drive. Not that you completely get the concept of  _driving._ Hundreds of miles, Lev'. All in a few days. Like distance is nothing at all. What a  _crazy_ concept.

"I'm awestruck by how beautiful it is there. I really want to go back. I've been thinking 'bout  home alot more. Small things. Family dinner. Reading a book. Eating nasty processed food and my mom complaining half-hearted about me being a vegetarian. Petting my cat. His name is George. He has black fur.

"But then... I look at things like this. I think, "Hey. It wouldn't be too bad to stay." And you know what, Lev'?" They glance at him. "That scares the Christ outta me. It... it... it makes me so scared I want to sleep and never wake up. Because without my family and my books and my cat I'm going to forget my regret about all the things I haven't finished at home.

"I don't want to forget. I forget everything important, but g-d, I don't want to forget that."

At this point, he'd turned completely away from the landscape and had full eye contact with them. His eyes, his elvish too-large eyes, full of sorrow and empathy so deep it felt deeper than an ocean. When a moment had passed, and the air became less thick with feeling, he turned back to the landscape.

"A clan is my home. Dalish are nomadic. I had never thought of any particular _place_ as a home, since to me, my friends, my family- they're the only home I can imagine. A home is the place your heart lies. Where you feel as appreciated and loved as you appreciate and love others. No matter where you are, or where your dear ones are, that is home. 

"I no longer consider my old clan as home. Though, I would be very much like to explain some things to them. Resolve issues. Mend friendships. I now consider the Inquisition my home. Not Skyhold. The Inquisition.

"Dorian. The Iron Bull, Blackwall, Sera. Cassandra, Josephine, Leliana. Cullen, Varric. Solas. Even Vivienne. Cole and  _you._  

"I'm not going to pretend that I want you to leave. I believe I've become fond of you," he smirked the last bit teasingly, "and seeing you go without any way to speak with you hurts to think about. I don't say it to guilt you into anything. Wherever you want to go, I will support. I won't like it. But I won't stop you. Just remember," he stared right at them, a serious glint in his face. "Remember that home doesn't have to just one place. One group of people. You may go to your blood family, and love and rejoice and appreciate them, but don't forget  _this_ either. Don't forget the other home."

He pushed from the stone, turned, and padded slowly away. Over his shoulder, he quietly said, "Don't stay out too long. You'll catch cold."

They smiled softly, then shifted, facing the lonely, beautiful, softly snowed mountainside once more.

Maybe they should try to draw it.

* * *

_Fields of frosted farmland zipped by at high speeds, the wind's muffled whistling singing a song. The cold glass of a window pressed unrelentingly against their forehead. As they look down at the road, yellow lines raced too quickly to count, each of them weathered and faded from wear and age. The soft, grey upholstery was slightly spongey underneath their hand, the other one perched half on the small ledge next to the window, the arm supporting their head and the seatbelt supporting their neck._

_Soft, slightly static underlined music drifted from a radio. Old Rock, easily listened to. Hums from the man behind the wheel. The hand not on the wheel is laying on top of a woman's- his wife's. Next to Toni sits an slightly older man than Toni, on his way to twenty years, in a similar position to theirs but with a pillow supporting his sleeping form._

_In the distance sits a marvelous sight. Twelve hours in a cramped truck, occasionally arguing, sometimes talking about nothing or something, but under it all a deep understanding and excitement for what lies ahead, ahead in the mountainous lands. With a slight haze, a slight veil of fog blurring the whites and purples and blues of the slowly encroaching formations, Toni is enraptured. From the north and east and west they are surrounded, enclosed with the glory. Any direction but backwards you look at something stationary, but new every time you turn back._

_A bump or two in the road would lift and lower the truck just enough to jostle Toni's arm from under their head, and rouse the man next to them slightly from sleep, though never fully. Two lanes, directly forward, with the lonely souls who were leaving driving the other way passing by so fast the family's car pushed to the side slightly. A branch away from the main road lead to private homes._

_"Mom?"_

_The older woman, in her late forties, turns around to her child. "Yes?"_

_"When are we getting there?"_

_She lifts an eyebrow and purses her mouth to one side of her face. "We'll get there when we get there."_

_They roll their eyes. "Funny."_

_"I am hilarious. You should know by now. All hail the queen."_

_"Oh your highness, please forgive my gall. I did not thinketh my thoughts through."_

_"You're a meanie."_

_"Of course I am," they snort, "how else am I gonna get on your nerves?"_

_"Stop provoking your mother," the man blandly says, "I'm the only one allowed."_

_The woman gasps and hits his shoulder playfully. "None of you are allowed! I'm always being picked on, choose someone else!"_

_Toni smiles. "Nah. What's family for?"_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fall to my knees, face the raining heavens, a single tear falling from my eye. I ask the Powers that Be, with great sorrow
> 
> "Comment pls"


	8. Stranger Than You Dreamt It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People look weird. Toni adjusts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lookie lookie super quick update! I mostly did this as a 'why do magic places never have scientific reasoning other than its because of magic fuck you'
> 
> Have fun. This one is based of of Real Life Meaning, so if you can guess what it is, you get a cookie.

Humans are human.

Elves are elven.

Dwarves are dwarven.

Spirits are spirits.

Toni is  _different._

Animals from Thedas certainly didn't exist on earth. Though, versions of animals on earth lived in Thedas. That's a little ass backwards, but we'll return to that.

To be more specific, a short lesson on evolution must be had. Over many, _many_ years, a species changes and adapts to their environment. To keep up with the rest of the creatures inhabiting that particular area, it's evolve or be destroyed. Now, accounting for the size and scale and differences in landforms as well as magical components, it is a logical assumption to think the people of Thedas would be unique in their physical attributes.

In layman's terms, it meant the people in Thedas looked  _fucking weird._

Imagine a man. 

No. Not that one.

Okay, that one's good.

How's he look? Handsome? Charming? Brown eyes? Maybe he has a wide smile that forces his cheeks to partially cover his eyes.

You imagine him, and his anatomy is  _correct._ Human. Fitting of a denizen of Earth.

Throw it all away.

Imagine a different man.

Imagine he's a human like the last one.

Imagine someone shook him so hard that when they finished something was  _off._

Liike playdough you squished on accident and tried to reshape into the previous figure. Something had  _shifted,_ like a wrinkle in a paper towel.

Like aluminum foil had been crumpled and then flattened again. Like someone reconstructed a human from memory.

Weird.

* * *

 Toni often just  _looked_ at people.

It probably wasn't polite. But Toni never understood politeness. Why can't I spit out my food at a restaurant? It's bad. Why can't I grab things to feel the texture? That's rude. Why why why.

Eye contact was a bitch, but if it was with people they knew, that made it better.

But they just looked so  _vaguely alien. Too many_ muscles in the wrong parts of their face, lacking in the right places. Longer hands. Surprisingly, longer toes. Forearm muscles for spear throwing and sword wielding long bred out by Modern times.

Elves had weird disproportionate eyes- not the way the game portrayed them, with larger iris's, but larger _period._ Sort of like ElfQuest eyes (save Solas) but slightly smaller. Most (also save Solas) were very thin and often stood shorter than humans.

Dwarves were blocky, and short, obviously. They seemed more compact than just a small version of a human.

And humans just... seemed off.

It wasn't _ugly,_  just odd. For all of the races, the range of emotions were odd. The smiles weren't as wide. Eyebrows raised higher. Shoulders could move farther back. Noses didn't have the divot between the forehead and top of the nose, just a seamless bridge. Along with other changes, the effect certainly was noticeable. If Toni looked too long, the differences became unnerving, but that was natural, hopefully.

They most likely look as weird to Thedassians, too.

* * *

 "Hey, Weirdy," started Sera, "what's with the face?"

Sera's room became a frequent safe haven for Toni- it was hidden away, partially, and as a bonus Sera herself lived there. 

At first Sera hated Toni. But that story is best left unexplained for the time being.

They hugged a nearby pillow, and Toni's mouth became a bemused line that their cheeks hid the end of. "It's... my face..?"

Sera blew a raspberry. "But why's it like tha'? It's all..." she paused. "Stretchy."

They scrunched their eyebrows together. "Uh. I dunno? Why is a bear called a bear and not a fish?"

"Because, dummy, it's..." Sera paused again."Shut it!"

Toni snorted. "Sera, sweetheart. I feel like the reasoning wouldn't be interesting to you. It's a lot of weird science and context and this dude named Darwin, so if you want a talk about evolution I would gladly share."

"Eh. Boring! I don't wan' a lecture 'bout stupid shite. An' don't call me sweetheart!"

"Whatever you say, Darlin'."

" _Shut it! Get out!"_

* * *

"But- but that doesn't explain  _anything!_ You can't use 'it's magic' as an explanation for everything!"

The Tevinter raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow slightly, though on him it literally almost hit his hairline. "Don't shout at me, you're the one who asked. Might I ask why you want to know? Are you going to be killing dragons now?"

Toni huffed in exasperation and frustration. "No. Ah- ahm-  _ugh,_ I'm just trying to figure it out. If a dragon breathes fire, how does it work? Is there a pocket in its body full of a flammable gas? Does it have some sort of spark generator in its mouth? I ab-abso-  _fuck,_ I can't talk. I absolutely can't accept 'because magic' for an answer!"

"Well, I do have to ask. What do you say about that little sprite of yours? How did it come into being?"

Said sprite chirped in happiness at being recognized in the conversation.

"Uh. Well. It's, hard to, put into words?"

Dorian shot them a eyes-half-lidded, blank look.

Toni smiled at the figurative grave they had dug for themself. 

"Oh, no, I hate to say it, but can you not smile so wide? It looks awfully painful." Dorian looked slightly squeamish. Might as well ask him now, Toni thought. See if I'm as weird to them as they are to me.

"Dorian- you're handsome-"

"The sun is bright."

They squinted at him, their nose wrinkling and glasses slipping down. "What?"

"Oh, I thought we were saying obvious things. Pardon me."

An impressive eye roll was his response.

"Okay," they began, "you're handsome, yeah, but how? Compared to what?"

An absolutely insulted expression swept across his face. The book he held snapped shut with a crisp _thump_ , and with that, he sashayed out.

"Dorian- Dorian! That came out wrong! Don't go!" Toni scrambled after him, knocking a shoulder into a bookcase and toppling several tomes to the ground. 

"Ah, shit," they hissed. What do they do?! Pick up the books? Follow Dorian? They absentmindedly considered that the option wheel should be showing up by now.

A shout from the librarian made them jolt in place. 

Dorian it is.

* * *

"Varric, do I looked weird?"

"Remember that you're the one who asked."

"Never mind,  you complete asshole."

He laughed into his mug. "No, no, just a joke. Why's it you want to know?"

"Nah'mally people from home look like me. But everyone here seems..." they didn't know where to go with that without devolving into half-thought poetics.

Luckily he answered. "Sort of like someone almost has the idea of a human down but wasn't quite correct?"

Toni nodded emphatically. "Exactly! How'd ya know?"

He gave them a wry smile. "It's what everyone thinks when they see you."

Oh.

Toni laughed uncomfortably. "Glad it's not in a _Phantom Of The Opera_ way. I wouldn't make a good Eric. And you also don't get any of what I said, do you."

"'fraid not, Jolt."

* * *

 "Solas, I'm in the mood for intelligent conversation on the adaptations and changes to various races over time. Care to help?"

His shuffling through the pile of pulpy scroll-paper didn't stop. "I am afraid I cannot indulge you at this moment. I am at a turning point in my research, so distraction is unacceptable. Perhaps later?" His charcoal stick scribbled here and his eyes followed text there and overall ignored the unimpressed Toni.

"That's the most polite shut down I've ever received. It's almost impressive."

"I aim to please, da'len. Now, if _you_ please?"

* * *

 "You don't think you're human in the way they're human. Wrong shapes, wrong curves, wrong wrong wrong. You're not wrong. If _you're_ not human, what will I be?"

Toni sighed from the chair in their small room, slumping forward onto the vanity. "You're more human than most, Hon'. Some humans are terrible. And if I've learned anything in my short life it's that I'm not wrong. Just different. Same way you're not wrong. Just different."

They heard the rustle of his hands rubbing together, the cloth making soft scratching noise. "Is being different not as good as being human?"

Toni turned around with a concerned look, deeply worried, and stood up to speak more clearly to him. "Cole. No matter how  _different_ or... or  _off_ we are, that doesn't change the fact we're people. It's like... if a guy lost an arm. He'd be different from everyone else, but he'd still be himself. The same race. Just different."

Cole raised his head. "He's so sweet, I want to make sure he's never sad, never hurt, never disappointed in those he so much wants to become. Glass eyes and a veiled face, always helping, helping, helping, always for others and never himself. I don't want him to get lost in his bottled emotion." Cole's eyes unglazed, then focused on Toni in awe. "You worry about me. You want to help. Nobody has ever wanted to help  _me."_

Toni smiled their too wide, high-cheeked smile. "You're my friend. Of course I want to help."

They were pulled into a tight hug, though still gentle. He buried his face in their neck. 

The time ticked by as the two odd beings reveled in their uniqueness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rips out my intestines as a sacrifice to the gods for comments


	9. Virus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The people of Earth were not built for the fade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WROTE THIS ALL AT ONCE AND DIDNT READ IT THROUGH CUS I AM LAZY WOOT WOOT
> 
> jeez Louise guys Ten Chapters! The longest I've had something on the Innernet
> 
> Have fun with this >:3c
> 
> WARNING! Here come tags.
> 
> -body horror  
> -gore  
> -depictions of illness

_**Day 1** _

_**Cough** _

Navi was gone.

Why was a mystery. How long she'd been gone was nearing two hours. What she was doing was a mystery. Where she  _was_ was a mystery.

Toni was getting jittery.

And also weirdly  _congested._

Naturally, the first option was to ask around. So, they walked to the first place they could think of: The Rotunda. 

Solas was reading, the tome resting on a book stand. When they came in he reflexively glanced up distractedly, but when he realized who it was, his attention fully shifted. "Ah, hello, Toni. Something you need? Or another of your many questions?" He gave that small quirk of his lips that always made them grin.

Coughing wetly, Toni responded. 

"Yeah, kinda. Have you seen Navi? She hasn't been around for a while. I'm getting-" another cough, "-worried."

His eyebrows furrowed in thought. "I have spent the majority of my day in here, so I have not. Where did you see her last?"

Toni rasped, "I saw her last in my room. I was drawing, and then I looked up and she was gone."

He ran a finger over his lip, then offered, "I am sure she will reappear soon. She has not left your presence since her first appearance, yes?"

"Yeah. This-" another chain of harder, angrier coughing cut them off. Ouch.

He looked at them with a veiled sort of concern. "When did  _this_ begin?"

"An hour ago. And before you say it, I'm  _not_ getting sick. It's just schpilcus. My immune system is made of steel."

He let out a breath through his nose. "I suggest you request some herbal tea from the kitchens. Despite how unpleasant it is."

A rattling groan exited Toni.

Nasty.

* * *

_**Day 2** _

_**Sores** _

Navi was still gone.

Toni was itchy.

"Jolt, if you scratch anymore, it'll start snowing from your arm."

White skin flakes were fluttering down. Yucky.

Varric actually looked vaguely concerned. "What's on your neck?"

Toni prodded the red sore. "Maybe I'm developing eczema." They dragged the spitoon over with their foot and spit into it. Then coughed. Then spit again.

"There's another one on your hand."

They looked at their hand and sure enough an even _worse_ lesion was there.

Varric gave them a  _look._ "Kid, as much as I hate to make you do anything, you should really get those checked out."

"You should get your face checked out."

"Nice."

* * *

  _ **Day** **3**_

**_Speech_ **

****Navi still hadn't returned.

Toni couldn't sleep.

Every time they laid down, the planet felt like it was moving to quickly, like they would float off the bed due to the low gravity- everything swayed. Lots of vomiting was involved. Like perpetual seasickness.

Naturally, they went to Solas for some help.

Bare feet stuck slightly to stone floors as they lumbered over to him. He was doing, surprise surprise, more research. You have to wonder how much of it was  _actual_ research. 

A hand reached mindlessly under their shirt to scratch a smaller sore, and approached the mage. "Solas?"

His scribbling quill stopped, and his gaze shifted. "Da'len?"

"I'm not fee-feel- _feeling_ great. Any voodoo witchdoctor stuff to give me? 

His bemused expression was their only answer.

They sighed and rolled their eyes. "I've seen you heal a man's broken arm fully so this shouldn't be much of a jump."

Then it went to shit.

A string of nonsense syllables ran from his mouth.

_Fuck._

"Please tell me this isn't what I think it is. Please just say this is a practical joke and that I'm on _Candid Camera."_

More nonsense, though this time the pauses in between they could only assume were words were longer.

"Solas. Please. If you understand what I'm saying blink three times. Fuck you, you stupid, bald asshole. Your dick is tiny. Eat ass. Why are you not canonically bisexual, it makes no sense in the context of the game, also my mother was an alien and I have a secret lover named Ramón. Anything."

He switched to a different language- it sounded elvish- but still no cigar. A wet, sickly cough made them bend over, and black creeped, sneaked up into the periphery of their vision.

A hand on Toni's shoulder firmly dragged them upright. Solas peered right into their eyes, intense, searching, formulating. His other hand swirled with magic, and as he brought it up to their head-

_pain pain pain pain PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN **PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN**_

Deep, agonized, raw screaming so wrenching that it echoed off the walls.

Liquid fire  _raced_ through their veins. Muscles seized, and knees locked, causing them to collapse, even as Solas caught them. He was loudly saying  _something,_ though the meaning was lost on them. 

More hacking erupted from their raw throat. 

Magic wasn't working anymore. 

* * *

  ** _Day_** ** _4_**

**_Blood_ **

Toni really missed Navi.

They were getting worse.

Since the healers were out, the natural remedies were substituted. They didn't work very well. They brought the swelling down, minutely- and the lesions looked... less gross. Bed rest was instructed. 

It was, as they selfishly thought to themself, very boring.

The inner circle came to visit, or at least the ones that liked them. Cole was an almost constant presence, and always stayed in at least small amounts of contact with them; touches, slight hand holding to avoid the open sores. He knew they didn't want to hear anyone talk, so he was blissfully silent, though occasionally he would whisper their thoughts.

They were almost glad they couldn't understand what he was saying.

Books were unreadable. Even before all this. They couldn't draw because their hands were tender. Talking wasn't an option. 

When they had first been punted into Thedas their backpack from school came, too. It was full of dry homework, world history notes- most over the black plague-  and a book for English that was the dryest, most boring thing they had ever had the displeasure of reading.

They'd read it five times.

Gingerly, carefully, the book rested in their fragile hands. Half of it was in Spanish they had never heard of. 

Dorian was the only one who could even vaguely speak to them; Tevene was latin-like, so combined with Toni's latin-derived English and their knowledge from Neo-Latin class the chopped up, irritating conversations didn't do much, though a mutual agreement that the disappearance of Navi was connected.

The thoughts jumping around in their head interrupted themselves with a sharp pain in Toni's nose, then a waterfall of blood.

The book was soaked. Cole shouted and  _poofed_ away, and within two minutes, Solas and a healer/doctor ran in- by then, the whole of Toni's front was a crimson mess. Tilted forward, tamping down coughs, bandages having been bled through.

Their hands were firmly pushed to pinch their nose, and something blissfully cold was pressed to the bridge. 

How long passed was unknown.

When it stopped, Cole came back and sidled up next to them.

Toni cried.

* * *

  _ **Day**_ ** _5_**

_**Reprieve** _

Toni was angry at Navi.

Solas and Cole were constantly there.

Solas had put off the scheduled excursion with Lavellan. Whenever a nosebleed would come, or the sores oozed through the wrappings, or the coughing became too bad, the soothing, fluid sound of his mother language, his hands and the healers' that came in on occasion.

The day went well. 

* * *

  _ **Day**_ ** _6_**

**_Rot_ **

They started to think Navi abandoned them.

Their left ring finger fell off.

It had suddenly just... _detached._ No pain. Just a dull twinge, and a delicate weight on the blanket. Under where the finger used to be was a green, crystalline rock imbedded in the visible, off-white bone, curled around the spider-webbed inside structure.

The right small toe fell off next.

Cole was inconsolable, and looked near tears, his babbling and rocking unintelligible.

Solas showed more emotion than they had  _ever_ seen on his face before.

* * *

  ** _Day_** ** _7_**

**_Unknown_ **

Navi came back, though after the worst symptom.

During the night, Toni finally fallen asleep. 

They woke up and everything  _burned._

They fell off the bed, hunched into themself over their knees so tight that it would have seemed perfectly natural if they folded into a black hole and disappeared. Solas slid to his knees and kneeled over them, Cole copied the motion. 

Disgusting, moss green crystals smeared with blood erupted from their mouth and  _tinked_ against stone, some as small as pebbles, others the size of a baby's fist. Frantic yelling, pleading, and what sounded almost like prayer- all of them blended together.

A light green light shine through their eyelids, and everything faded into blackness.

* * *

It took another week for the worst of it to pass. 

Their finger and toe had scabbed over. No more nosebleeds. Speech came back to them on the third day, bringing with it a rambling Cole, his hands constantly touching and caressing as to make sure they were actually healthy - or at least on the way to it.

Solas withdrew. He had things to think about, Toni knew. They could guess about what. When the team with Lavellan had come back- Bull, Sera, and Vivienne- three of the four visited, with varying levels of horror.

Navi was back. Soft tunes and gentle fluttering against their check had never felt so welcomed.

If only she could tell them where she had been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed this to Vent so Here You Go, suffer with me
> 
> Also kinda more plot/interesting stuff? Who knows.
> 
> Go to my DA blog for, uh, DA stuff, Dragonsanddweebs at Tumblr 
> 
> ALSO for my main blog I wink wink post art in my art tag, it's just my-art at Kineticegg at Tumblr


	10. Vent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soon after Virus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having a rough time
> 
> Heres some light stuff then some deep stuff then hopeful stuff
> 
> This chapter feels like shit to me
> 
> Tell me if its shitty

"Might I have a word?"

Toni looked up from their drawings, scratched at a bandage over their eye, and responded, "sure thing, Solas. What'd you need?"

His expression was slightly pinched, but not in irritation - it was always hard to get a read on him. "I have need to speak with you tonight. In the Fade."

They blinked a little with their good eye. "That's the first thing you've said to me in a week."

He remained silent.

"Alright. Fine. Thanks for warning me, at least." They scrunched their nose a little. "Be careful, though. My dreams get weird."

He bowed his head and left.

* * *

  _The things that I do for this one._

Normally, the child had nonsense dreams. Huge warped doorways, twisting halls, endless staircases folding in on themselves in such a way nobody could walk on them. Men in funny hats chewing on smoking brown sticks in entirely too large jackets. 

One time there was an unnerving man in white and red warpaint, multicolored hair and big red shoes honking a small (horn?) object at him.

This time he had to wade through an endless expanse of small carrots. The immortal god of trickery and rebellion was wading through a sea of small carrots.

A large banana with oozing legs encouraged him forward. 

"Come on, friend! You can do it!" It squeaked. "My life is unending agony and despair! Let me sleep!"

He stepped out of the carrot basin and onto a stone platform with the banana. Its disturbingly humanoid mouth leaked mashed banana mush.

"My dreams are haunted by the screams of my eviscerated foes, and nothing can slake my thirst for blood, nothing," it cheerfully told him.

"Begone," he returned.

It flashed out of existence. 

He walked through a twisted wooden door that had nothing attached to it.

* * *

There was a large house. 

It had two trees in the front, a stone ramp leading to an opening with odds and ends, boots, tools and more. The stone beneath his feet did not  _feel_ like stone, more solid and more even that it could ever be in the mortal realm he lived in.

But not the mortal realm he lived in. It was the mortal realm  _they_ lived in.

The Stone was scorching, burning, like the air was. Such intense sensations within the fade were  _fascinating;_ it was normally a shade, a reflection and a wispy dream that had no more substance than a half grasped memory. Or, such it was  _due to his mista-_

A constant buzz carried through the air, like nothing he had heard before, only to be equated to thousands of grasshoppers singing at once. The bottoms of his feet burned even through the wrappings.

Those feet swiftly carried him closer to the house.

The humidity was choking. If sweating was possible in the Fade, it would be unbearable. Even as such, the sheer heat he could feel strangled him, wrapped in a constricting cloth, too aware of his many layers.

Right before he reached the open bay, a door opened in front of him, and he fell.

* * *

He fell.

Down.

And down.

And down.

And down.

Screaming stopped being necessary after about what he assumed was five minutes.

The wind wasn't wind, because even though it caused his clothes to rustle and ripple, only a soft whistling could be heard, and the telltale chill of a quick breeze wasn't present.

All around him was nothing. Blackness. His own person was completely visible.

_Perhaps I should speak to them about this._

"What's happenin', bud?"

His head whipped to the side, and he immediately regretted it. What greeted him was a disgusting, grotesque mass of nerve endings, in the approximate shape of a body, pieces of flesh still attached, with two bobbing eyes fluttering in the not-wind.

"You gonna answer?"

"I... where am I?"

The creature had no mouth to speak from, but still, came the words, "better question would be where you're _not."_

Solas pinched his nose in exasperation. "I do not have time for this. How this is even possible within the Fade is baffling. I have things I must do."

It blinked, and Solas wanted to vomit. "I'm sure they'll wait."

"If you have any sort of knowledge on how this plane works, I would appreciate your... insight," he bit out.

"Hey, doc, you're thinkin' all about this the wrong way. You're tryin' to do it your way, and it ain't workin' so far, so why keep tryin'? Two wrongs don't make a right, but two rights make a left. Or was it an airplane?"

"That makes about as much sense as anything else in this place, I suppose."

It... he couldn't quite say _nodded_ at him. "Take this place, for example. I know this defies the laws uh gravity, but I never studied law. So, I'm good."

Any response was swallowed by another doorway beneath him.

* * *

_Thunk._

Grass. He was back at the house.

Solas rubbed his nose with two fingers. "Lovely."

A few moments later, he successfully was to the door inside the bay. When opened, he sees a coat rack, a basket of shoes.

He walked in, and another door swallowed him.

* * *

 "Fenedhis!" 

Leaning back up, Solas rubbed down his face with a hand and sighed heavily.

His first sight when he opened his eyes was a large, long-necked animal with brown spots. This animal then broke its legs, and they began to spin so quickly, it flew away.

He waited for another door to show up. He had no more energy for this.

* * *

 

"Solas?"

They were laying on a plush grey couch, surrounded with many garishly colored pillows. A tuffet under their feet and a cat on their lap, they seemed very at home.

It then occurred to him that it _was_ their home.

"Earth to Solas, come in Solas."

He focused back on them.

"I must speak to you about some things."

They scrunched up their nose and pet the cat. "You said that earlier. What is it?" They paused. "Did I do something?"

He shook his head and paced. "No. Not that. It is..." he stopped. "May I change this to some other location?"

They nodded, be it a little baffled.

The house faded away.

* * *

" _Fenedh- will this hellscape never cease?!"_

 It was replaced with a sideways Rotunda.

 _Everything_ was sideways.

"Solas, calm down. It's not that big a deal. It's just a dream."

He whirled around, and that _broke_  through the calm, polite barrier he had set up, fortified himself with all this time, solid even against the growing affection for  _them._ But this time, it snapped. It snapped, and Toni was reminded that this was a being who had the abilities to kill numerous amounts of people.

_"IT IS NOT JUST A DREAM!"_

His voice shook the walls, darkened the corners of the room. Toni hunched into themself.

He clenched his fists and began to pace.

"You are a  _child,_ an  _outworlder._ A  _human._ This goes against all I have planned, all I hold close; my most steadfast ideals have  _shifted,_ because of you. This is a risk, a cruel joke of fate. Yet..."

He looked right at them with his ambiguously colored eyes. 

"Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment. Perhaps. But when you were there, and I could not understand your words, or heal your wounds, or do  _anything,_ I felt as though I... You should not.... I should not care.

"but losing you would..."

 _Fuck,_ they thought.

He walked up to them, and though they flinched, he grasped their forearms and ducked to their height.

"Do not mistake this as  _just a dream,_ da'len. Some things here are more real than anything in the realm of the waking. Yes, it is a dream in some ways; a fantasy. It is also history, and lives and loves and loss and more than any one being can comprehend. When you wake from this, you remember. Our conversations, the scenes of the past played out like a performance. It is only as real or fake as you believe it to be.

"I cannot... this is not where I wanted this to lead." He rose up and released them. "I wanted to say to you... I have not changed my plans. Just because of...  _this._ I hope you can understand that."

They rubbed a hand over their glassy eyes. "I... understand. I don't like it. I'll never like it, Solas. I'll t-t-tell you again and again. But I understand. More than anyone."

He nodded, and though he heard what he wanted, there was no happiness. Only resignation, and a deep, ancient sorrow.

Toni shuffled forward, and went in for a slow hug. He stiffened, and eventually, returned it.

He placed a cheek on the top of their head, and lightly asked, "...what is an airplane?"

They laughed at him, and pulled away. "Nice topic change. I'll tell you later. Wanna see something cool?"

He simply nodded.

A door was conjured, and they both walked through.

They thought he would like Avery Island.

The skeletons that showed up threw him off a little.

They didn't really understand why. They were all very polite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a synopsis of my past few weeks.
> 
> I've been called a fag, blown off by a teacher when I had a panic attack and was told to 'stop with the woe is me bull', restricted from going to a VERY IMPORTANT support group by my parents, scared by an anti-Semite, was told by my mother she agreed with my teachers thing bout the panic attack, had ANOTHER panic attack which included pencil scratches all over my upper arm, and grounded due to grades. Also I am very sick right now!!!!!!!
> 
> The original draft of this was erased cus my tablet died !!!! Yay !!!!
> 
> C: isnt life swell !!!!


	11. I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That's gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya, here's a tag for the F slur and some talk about homophobia, and the use of Queer in the old way it was used (as a derogatory term)
> 
> I really didn't want to write toomuch, cus I'm tired and burnt out, but here ya go. Happy Holidays !

"What'cha got there?"

Dorian snapped his head towards the kid. The wrinkled paper he held in his hands was wrinkled slightly more by his tightly clenched hands, though he was still careful to preserve whatever troubling news it held.

He plastered a hollow, debonair smile onto his face. _"My_ mail,  _my_ business."

Toni immediately knew.

"It's your dad. Isn't it."

He dropped the smile and returned his gaze to the letter. "That foresight of yours grows continually more and more irritating."

They walked forward, placed a hand on the chair's arm. "Call it a gift."

"More of a  _curse,_ as I see it."

They snorted. "Same things."

Dorian gave a half-hearted laugh, more of a release of air through his nose.

Toni sighed, and gently said, "if you don't want to talk about it, I won't, but I might be able to help out."

He peered at them from the corner of his eye. "By all means, continue."

They ignored his biting tone. A beat up chair they had placed some time ago in the corner was dragged in front of him, and they sat down slowly.

"Not as, like, a humble brag or anything, but my dad really didn't really care either way. But I understand not being accepted for who I am based on stupid societal norms.

"My home isn't quite accepting as, say, Fereldan is. The way it works is that within my country, there's different states. There's a north and a south- Uh, sorry for the impromptu geography lesson. The south, as a rule, is much more  _religously inclined,_ and in the popular opinion of that religion, people who like the same gender as themselves or aren't the gender they were assigned at birth are treated as less."

Eyebrows scrunched together. "There's a word people call people like me. It hurt, in the beginning, to hear. But... It might be sad to say, I got used to it. Kinda took it as a badge of pride. They call me queer, call me a faggot. It's not the same as calling, say, an elf knife-ear, but the same concept."

Dorian straightened up slightly. "There's... people say Hounders. Here."

They cocked an eyebrow. "Kinda uncreative."

He laughed a little again. "That's what I've always thought."

Toni continued. "When you laugh at it, Dorian, it takes away their power to hurt you. I know,  _I know,_ that it hurts to hear. But it's either laughing or crying. If you fake laughing for long enough it actually becomes funny."

It was his turn this time to furrow his eyebrows. "You are a peculiar child."

They nodded.

"As for your dad? He sucks."

Dorian gave them a deadpan look. "Really. I didn't know that. My perception of life has changed!"

"Shut up. I was being poetic and serious."

"My apologies. Continue."

 _"So,_ as I was saying. Something like what he did is unforgivable and unforgettable. It's completely in your right to just not go at all. And, no matter how much it may suck, he's still your dad. He may be going about this entirely the wrong way, but the fact he even contacted you has gotta say something, yeah?"

"It certainly says  _something,_ yes, such as how he wants to soothe his own guilty conscience."

"How do you know that's what he wants to do? Maybe he misses you."

He jumped up, and glared down. "I don't think you get it. Do you know how I found out? He  _told me._ Said it was my  _duty_ as his  _son_ to uphold the family reputation. Because what did I know? I was  _confused,_ he said, _too young to understand._  Didn't know what was  _best_ for me, he said. 

"So keep your soft words to yourself, becau-"

"Because I'm  _too young to understand?"_

He froze.

"Dorian, I love you, but shut your god damn mouth."

His mouth closed with a snap.

They stood in front of him, and they were tall enough to look in his eyes directly. "He's your father. He's done terrible things to you, told you terrible things. But, I don't think you should let things between the two of you stand the way they are. Don't focus on the past or the pending. Focus on  _now._ Are you happy with how things between the two of you are now?  _Everybody_ deserves a chance, Dorian."

They smiled wide. "That's why I'll so graciously forgive the almost-rude thing you said a moment ago. Because, you know, 'ahm such a nice fella."

He gave a ghost of a genuine smile. "Brat."

They punched his shoulder. "Jerk."

They hugged him, and his arms paused in surprise, before returning the gesture.

He whispered, "baby."

They thumped him in the back and he wheezed out a laugh.

 

* * *

 

 "Hiya, Krem-bem-bo bem, banana-fana foe fem, fee fie foe fem Krem."

"...Hello, Toni."

Toni quickened their pace to catch up. "Before you, uh, get wherever you're going, can I ask a question?"

"You just did, kid. But fire when ready."

A snort. "Haha. Hilarious. But yeah! Do you know where to get stuff to bind safely? I like my ribs and I don't want to, you know, crush 'em."

Krem shrugged. "Just use strips of cloth. Works well enough. Wrap 'em 'round and you're done."

"Krem, that ain't  _safe,"_ A worried look, "that ruins your ribs. Permanent damage, man. And how long do you keep the wraps on?"

He shrugged again. "All day, normally."

"We need to fix this. Right the fuck now. Look, you have to keep your health in mind; only eight hours with bindings on and give yourself a few days to breath occasionally. If you don't you risk pirer- ugh, permanent damage. And something like a half shirt can compress your chest in a more safe way."

He nodded. "I'll keep it in mind."

He walked off.

Toni wondered why he was being such a jerk.

 

* * *

 

 

"Sera, when did you know you only like women?"

Sera paused her bee-feeding; it was a delicate business once who likes bee stings? The jar had a tiny hole in the top, that she used to push in... Some weird substance.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, that. I dunno, always have. Don't really matter either way, yeah? But tits are nice. Mmm."

Giggles, with a snort. "You're awful."

"Sure am. Why'd ya ask? A girl caught ya fancy?" Her eyebrows wiggled, leaned forward, then stuck her tongue out.

They pushed her away some with a laugh. "Stop that! And  _no,_ thank you very much. Ain't got time for that. So that's it? It's always been?"

"I said it so I mean it, weirdy. Why, s'it a problem?"

A worried look came into their eyes. "No, no! I just wanted reference, I guess. S'not like you asked, but for me it was more along the lines of realizing that everyone else didn't like what I did, you know?"

She looked a little confused. "Is this leadin' somewhere?"

Toni laughed. "Guess not."

Sera fed the bees. Toni watched.

It was nice.

 

* * *

 

 

"Bull?"

"Yeah, kiddo?"

"You like guys, right?"

"Yeah."

"Cool."

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :3c


	12. Sera gets another weird idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> meep morp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have literally nothing of substance to give you sorry my dudes. Here's a chapter to tide you over until I get back into the swing of things. Its literally just one thing and I hate myself for it k i l l m e

"Is this ethical?" asked Toni.

"Who soddin'  _cares?"_ responded Sera.

"Murp," said the turtle with a knife strapped to its back.

"Where did you even  _get_ a turtle. How. How did you get a turtle, Sera?"

She waved it off. "Dontcha worry abou' tha'. This little bit's a  _Jenny_ now! Even got 'is knife an' everythin'!"

"That's my seci- second, sorry, second question. Why does this Red-Jenny-green-turtle have an actual, literal knife. One used for stabbing, and general...Maim-ery."

"Well," she started, "he's a Jenny, so he needs a weapon, righ'? Protect people, and all tha'."

Toni's mouth looked like a line. "I think I'm just gonna ask why he's here."

That made Sera smile. "Ser Stabby-Butts's gonna stab some butts. 'Es gotta learn the Jenny way!"

They sighed. "Sure. Why not."

Dusk had enveloped the fortress in an amber glow, casting soft shadow over nooks and crannies- the last of the workers and soldiers were finishing up their daily routines, Sera and Toni were toting around a McGyvered reptile that didn't have any earthly clue what was happening, not only because it was so sudden, but that it was a turtle, and unable to form coherent thought.

"I don't think he's fit for the job, my dude. Why a turtle? Also, why not a dog? Or you know,  _a person?"_

"Shut it!" Sera returned.

"Mwerp," Ser Stabby-Butts added.

Sera gently placed the turtle on the ground and pushed him forward. The knife on his shell glinted in the light. As he tottled forwards the knife threw him off balance, and he tripped, causing Sera to pout and stomp off.

They blinked and face-palmed. "Guess I have a son now."

Toni gave Ser Stabby-Butts a lovely new home of a blanket-lined box next to their bed and a small tank of water to swim in. Cole loved him very much.

* * *

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does a little jig and then goes into t pose and clips through the floor


	13. Author's Note

Hey guys, long time no see

 

So, I havent updated in a LONG time, and I really have no idea when I will. I think it's mostly me being Meh on the DA fandom as a whole cus theres some cancerous content and people floating around in it, and I'm not as involved in it as I was.

DA got me through a rough patch and that patch has passed, so my self indulgent insert story isn't necessary for my piece of mind any more. It's still going to update, but once in a blue moon. I'm gonna finish it if it kills me so there's not gonna be more than about uh ten chapters left, give or take a few

I don't think many people will care about this a whole lot, but Hey, might as well have it out there

Surprisingly enough, I met my best friend through this fic, so that's another reason I'm gonna finish it. Hey Dude, if you're reading this I Love You and I cant believe my kaka doodo writing brought us into each others lives over a year ago !!! 

What I will continue to update more frequently is my original writing stuff ! I post different types of original writings from poetry to short stories

 

Have a great day,

Toni


End file.
